[[CAUTION to readers... this post contains highly mushy gushy material, in quite an "in-love" venting mood. Read at your own risk]]
(the first day we met)
But... the majority of the time.. I'm thinking about my husband, Sterling.
Especially today. Do you ever have those monumental moments or experiences with a person that sometimes just defines the both of you, and makes the relationship THAT much better? I'm pretty sure that today did that for us.
The thing that I love so much about this boy, is that I truly honestly know that I could never EVER do anything to hurt him. I know that I love him, because I know how much he means to me.. does that even make sense? I know I love him, because of what I'd do for him... which is everything. I would never let anything come between us, because he means that much to me.
He is the perfect amount of everything that I'm not. When I am weak and struggling, he has that strength to complete me and carry me on, out of my dark. When my day is throwing things at me, hurting me, he knows what to do, or say, or to say nothing at all... just to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and love me. He knows me. And I solidly believe he knows me deeper and better than I know myself. When problems face us, even ones that I think he would for sure run when he see's that i'm taking my anxious, stressed and overwhelmed mood out on him, he knows the words to say to have me calling him the next moment... telling him i love him and that i'm sorry. And its in those moments that I don't know what I would ever do if i didn't have him in my life. I know that no matter what comes up in front of us, we can trample it together... and if trampling it is just too ridiculous, we'll build a path around, under or over it together.
"two in love can make it, take my heart and please don't break it, love was made for me and you"
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to wake up, and be back.. what you think was a year to where you were before any of your wonderful happened? Sometimes I think that there's no way that I ended up here, that I really grabbed onto that passing glimmer of sunlight and held on. That I had the time to see it, or feel it... What if I'm still dreaming.. This life couldn't be mine.. its perfect, I'm so incredibly happy. I'm so blessed, I'm so ...simply... amazed. I'm dreaming, I've got to be dreaming... *pinch*nothing. . . *pinch*.. nothing.
beautiful.. Its real.
Holding my hand down the side walk, kissing me on the forehead just because, putting his hands on my stomach while he sleeps and wraps his arms around me to pull me close to him, brushing the hair from my face, tucking the blankets in at my sides to keep my toes warm, whispering to me that i'm so pretty, telling me that i'm his... singing to me while i sleep... Its all real. its all so beautifully real. I've found, and married the man that was literally from my dreams.
I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with how lucky I am.. I truly thought that I would have to end up settling with someone. As horrible as that seems, i really believed that. Because, I knew for sure that there was no one out there that could be everything that I wanted and needed in a husband for me, and if there was... there was no way that I would ever find him within the century.
I honestly thought that I had this checklist in my mind that could never be fulfilled, and that "tall dark and handsome" along with funny, witty, smart, kind, a gentleman, sensitive, caring, sweet, strong, brave, courageous, loving and wonderful were all the things in a guy in the knighthood ages, or the guy that barbie already had claimed.. You don't know how many nights I had stayed up creating the idea of perfection in my mind... Then I met him. It was like he stepped out of my dreams and climbed right into my heart. And I'm not joking when I say that my jaw drops, my eyes get sparkly and watery and I get goosebumps when I think to myself... "I really found him.. and he picked me."
How crazy wonderful beautiful is it...
out of everyone in this world, all the girls, all the guys, how big this world is.... yet... we found each other. literally... we bumped into each other.
I knew that first night. Cliche' as it seems... and as many people claim that same thing.... I really knew. I hoped was more like it. I hoped that I could be good enough for this guy that had been dropped out of the sky.... out of thin air right in front of me. I hoped that I could be the girl that he chooses. I hoped that I could be the best possible me for the rest of forever, enough for him to see forever with me. I wanted to be that for him, that night, instantly, i wanted to be everything that I could for him. The girl that get's hurt easily, but doesn't show it... The normally keep my emotions un-told and my feelings inside until i feel safe kind of girl, was suddenly pouring out her heart to this man she had met hours earlier. and his words came tumbling out from the writing on his heart... and instantly we trusted each other. immediately we connected.
We were somehow with some power able to share our innermost, deepest, scariest, craziest, most un-told secrets, hopes, dreams and wishes... We were both scared to fall in love again, I was so scared to think that someone could overpower me again, by the sheer fact that when I fall in love, I become vulnerable to that person and become blind to the bad. at some points I had decided never to fall in love again...
but all those knots, those broken rainbows and damaged memories dimmed. They dimmed with those first few hours we talked, those first few hours that we put everything on the line for that other person... by the tiny glimpse of hope that they would grab on and never let go... and all those things disappeared when we first kissed. All those broken roads we had traveled, all those broken hearts, hurt feelings, lost loves, and trampling of our hearts had been permanently put in the rearview... getting smaller and smaller in the past as we got closer and closer to each other. All my plans were changed with meeting him, all those things I thought i could never find, those things i'd have to forget and settle for less. My world was flipped upside down that night.
And I was at the beginning of a journey that I had always wished for. waited for 11:11 for, searched for shooting stars for, blown out birthday candles for, broken wishbones for, and prayed a million times for... being hopelessly in love. I suppose thats why they deem it falling in love, rather than jumping. Because when you sincerely begin to love someone it is like falling and you don't have the choice such as you do with jumping. To say when, how where.... love like falling just happens. Just like we happened to bump into each other that one single simple, just like every other day. And I just so happened to fall desperately and deeply in love with him.
So this post goes out to my Sterling Hart Clark. For everything he has done for me, willingly, purposely, effortlessly, and unknowingly. I don't have all the perfect words to explain how I feel or what he means to me, I don't know how to put what I feel into beautiful sentences that make sense. I write madness and chaos type sentences. but they are simply words that show what I'm thinking about. And because my thinking is scrambled most of the time, and an unorganized cluster of everything and nothing all at once, so... hence-my writing. But... i'm up at 3:58am in the morning... because I can't sleep. I'm up because I miss him. and I just want to hold his hand while i'm sleeping, instead of being alone. I'd rather stay up all night and fight the exhaustion, than sleep alone without him.
I love him. Here's to the rest of forever. . I can't wait.
xoxo
When you love someone, you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
When you love someone
You'll deny the truth, believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe, that you can really fly
But your lonely nights have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone, you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone, when you need someone
When you love someone
When you love someone, you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all, no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
When you love someone
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